Covert vs Grandiose Narcissism
Narcissism has been on the rise in recent decades, perhaps culminating in the election of a grandiose leader role modelling angry and childish behaviour as acceptable.
While some narcissists are grandiose, most do not have a lifestyle that supports this notion and they live in different realities where their narcissistic defences protecting their fragile self-image and often weak emotional stabilitiy - or a need for others to manage their emotions for them. Most narcissists do expect you to make them feel good about themselves, with a need for endless validation. If they cannot get positive validation, they my reach for negative validation, or pity.
What often goes wrong in relationship is that they get triggered into feeling their negative feelings are your fault so they etiher attack or become passive aggressive in that situation. Perhaps going from idealizing you to devaluing you in the moment.
I work with narcissim from a personal growth model when it comes to stopping abusive behaviours and growing up emotionally. For many, it is possible to change reactions to responses if awareness and intention are able to be nurtured.
Covert narcissism is characterized by a more subtle and hidden manifestation of narcissistic traits compared to grandiose narcissism. While grandiose narcissists are overtly exhibitionistic, seeking attention and admiration, covert narcissists possess similar core traits but express them through more understated means. Here are ten main traits and how they compare to grandiose narcissists, with examples and situations:
1. Sensitivity to Criticism
Covert Narcissist:
Phrases: "I can’t believe you’d say that to me. You must have misunderstood my intentions." or "I’m really hurt by your words."
Situations: Avoids situations where they might be criticized, often sulking or withdrawing when it occurs.
Grandiose Narcissist:
Similar phrase: "You have no idea who you're dealing with."
Difference: They are more likely to lash out openly and aggressively.
2. Passive-Aggressiveness
Covert Narcissist:
Phrases: "I didn’t think you’d notice my absence anyway." or "Oh, so now you care?"
Situations: Uses silent treatment or indirect communication to express anger.
Grandiose Narcissist:
Similar phrase: "You are lucky I'm even bothering to be involved."
Difference: Would express anger overtly, even dramatically.
3. False Humility
Covert Narcissist:
Phrases: "I’m no one special but people always expect a lot from me." or "I’m not really that great, but thank you anyway."
Situations: Seeks validation through self-deprecating remarks.
Grandiose Narcissist:
Similar phrase: "I’m exceptional and that’s why people always notice me."
Difference: Flaunts achievements and expects recognition without the pretense of humility.
4. Victimhood
Covert Narcissist:
Phrases: "Why is everything always against me?" or "You wouldn’t believe how hard my life is."
Situations: Uses self-pity to manipulate and gain sympathy.
Grandiose Narcissist:
Similar phrase: "People are just jealous and try to bring me down."
Difference: May acknowledge challenges but use them to boast about overcoming adversity.
5. Lack of Empathy
Covert Narcissist:
Phrases: "I understand you’re upset, but imagine how I feel." or "I guess my feelings don’t matter."
Situations: Dismisses others’ emotions by redirecting focus to their own.
Grandiose Narcissist:
Similar phrase: "Your problems are insignificant compared to mine."
Difference: Openly dismissive or contemptuous of others’ emotions.
6. Insecurity
Covert Narcissist:
Phrases: "I’m not sure why anyone would value my input." or "I wish I could be more confident like others."
Situations: Shies away from new opportunities due to self-doubt.
Grandiose Narcissist:
Similar phrase: "I’m the most qualified here, of course."
Difference: Projects excessive confidence and assurance.
7. Envy
Covert Narcissist:
Phrases: "It must be nice to always have things go your way." or "I’d be more successful if I had your advantages."
Situations: Subtly undermines others' achievements while envying them.
Grandiose Narcissist:
Similar phrase: "If I had your resources, I’d be unstoppable."
Difference: Envious, but vocal about surpassing others.
8. Self-doubt
Covert Narcissist:
Phrases: "I never get things right." or "I constantly question my worth."
Situations: Hesitates to take initiative due to fear of failure.
Grandiose Narcissist:
Similar phrase: "Only someone like me can handle this."
Difference: Rarely displays doubt to others.
9. Grandiosity in Fantasies
Covert Narcissist:
Phrases: "I would be remarkable if I had the chance." or "People just don’t see my potential."
Situations: Engages in imaginary scenarios where they are admired but keeps them private.
Grandiose Narcissist:
Similar phrase: "Everyone dreams of being me."
Difference: Openly discusses their fantasies, expecting admiration.
10. Isolation and Withdrawn Behavior
Covert Narcissist:
Phrases:
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10. Isolation and Withdrawn Behavior
Covert Narcissist:
Phrases: "I just prefer to be alone with my thoughts." or "People are so exhausting; I don’t feel like socializing."
Situations: Often isolates themselves from friends and family, only to later complain about feeling lonely.
Grandiose Narcissist:
Similar phrase: "I prefer my own company; people are just beneath me."
Difference: Might isolate themselves, but often because they believe they are too important or superior for social interactions.
Understanding Covert Narcissism
Covert narcissism can be understood as a more subdued, vulnerable form of narcissism where individuals exhibit traits such as self-centeredness, a need for validation, and sensitivity to criticism, but they do so in a less ostentatious manner than grandiose narcissists. They may mask their narcissism under an appearance of humility or shyness, but their underlying motives often involve the same need for attention and validation.
Relation to Angry Child Processes
Angry Child Processes refers to emotional behaviors associated with unresolved childhood trauma or unmet needs. Covert narcissists may exhibit these traits:
Lack of Object Constancy: Covert narcissists often struggle to maintain consistent emotional relationships; they may oscillate between idealizing and devaluing others based on their perceived validation. An example from a narcissist leader might be: "You’re either with me or against me. If you disagree, it’s like you never cared."
Gaslighting: Covert narcissists might use gaslighting to maintain control or manipulate others’ realities. A church leader saying, "You must have misunderstood; I only want what's best for you," could undermine congregants’ feelings of confusion or doubt in their own perceptions.
Over-identification with Thoughts and Emotions: They often take on the emotions of others as a means of self-validation while downplaying their own struggles. In a church context, a leader might say, "If you truly believed in God, you wouldn’t feel that way," invalidating others' feelings.
Lack of Empathy: This trait manifests through their inability to perceive or respond substantively to others' emotions. An example could be, "Your struggles are nothing compared to what I’m enduring; you should be grateful I’m even listening," reflecting an overarching theme of self-centeredness.
Double Down and Avoidance: Covert narcissists may double down on their narratives, refusing to face uncomfortable realities. An example from a church leader might be, "Any doubts you have are just the evil influence trying to lead you astray; you must listen to my guidance—God speaks through me."
Influence of Traumatized Churches
In contexts such as traumatized church environments, an emphasis on strict adherence to a single interpretation of faith can mirror covert narcissistic behaviors in leadership. I have witnessed this behavour myself and am aware of many church leaders who control their flock, telling them to vote for Trump, for example, to look the other way, to not question, that the end justifies the means (to push their Christian agenda onto others), bullies telling their congregants to elect a bully who they think will further their cause.
But they are wrong, Trump just follows validation. He will turn on them as soon as he doesn’t like their validation.
You elected me, I’m on your side.
You don’t continue to validate me, I’m not.
He is not for the people, he is only for his supporters. And he will turn on them with self-focus and self-interest in a moment.
Here are some common themes from Trump's rhetoric:
Questioning Credibility of Opponents: Trump often framed opponents or the media as untrustworthy.
Example: "Fake news is the enemy of the people."
Claiming Unique Insight: He frequently suggested that only he understood the "real" issues facing the country.
Example: "Nobody knows the system better than me."
Encouraging Loyalty: Trump emphasized loyalty among his supporters, often implying that dissent equates to disloyalty.
Example: "We have to stick together."
Dismissing Criticism: He often characterized criticism as unfounded or part of a broader conspiracy.
Example: "The establishment is trying to silence us."
Defending His Decisions: Trump often presented his decisions as divinely inspired or essential for the nation's well-being.
Example: "I am your voice."
Narcissistic religious leaders might convey messages like:
"Anyone who questions my authority is against God."
"Only I have the wisdom to interpret divine messages; you must trust me above all else."
These messages create a dynamic that can foster dependency and discourage critical thinking or emotional independence in congregants, mirroring some qualities of covert narcissism where individuals seek to maintain control while evading responsibility.
Here are ten phrases that subtly reinforce the ideas of authority, exclusivity in understanding, and distrust of differing opinions, while using less overt language:
"It’s natural to feel uncertain, but our teachings provide clarity that the world lacks."
"Our community has a deeper understanding of faith that others simply don’t grasp."
"True believers seek guidance from those who have been divinely appointed."
"I encourage you to rely on our shared beliefs; they protect us from confusion."
"The voices of the outside world can lead us astray; it's best to focus on our path."
"Many are misguided; we must stay vigilant in adhering to what's been revealed to us."
"As part of this community, it’s important to align with our collective wisdom."
"It’s wise to be cautious about influences outside this fellowship; they may not have your best interests at heart."
"Trusting our leadership is essential for your spiritual growth and safety."
"Let’s remember that only those who walk in faith can truly comprehend these teachings."
These phrases reinforce a sense of exclusivity and caution towards differing perspectives without explicitly stating dominance or mistrust.
By examining these relationships, we can see the complexities involved in understanding behaviors associated with covert narcissism both in personal relationships and in broader social contexts, including organizational structures like churches. The interplay of these traits can lead to toxic environments and hinder personal growth for those involved.
